ARIES: You can take the bull by the horns or the tiger by the tail, but if you do both at the same time, you’ll have a very short but exciting career in zookeeping. Start out slow by training some earthworms to jump through hoops; they won’t bite as hard.
TAURUS: Thursday may gently surprise you, but Friday aims to make you pee yourself. Look around every corner and carry a sharp stick, unless you enjoy jump scares from horror movies.
GEMINI: Watch out for snakes, be wary of squirrels, and definitely steer clear of mongeese on Wednesday. People may think you’re paranoid, but everything really is out to get you.
CANCER: There’s a light in your eyes and a song in your heart. Either your day is going really well, or you swallowed your cousin’s mp3 player. If it’s the latter, don’t tell them; after a high-fiber breakfast, it will all come out in the end.
LEO: Science has proved that you will enjoy a longer, more satisfying life when you make your spouse happy. Put in the extra effort this week, unless you want them to pull out that Taco Bell-Twinkie Casserole Cookbook.
VIRGO: You have a lot on your mind, but you can erase it all with a bungee jump. It’s like an Etch-A-Sketch for your brain, except you’re screaming and you have to change your shorts afterward. Go to a professional, not just any old surfer-looking dude with an ankle cuff, a rope and a bridge.
LIBRA: Saturday brings a chance to rediscover your path in life. Forget the road less traveled this time, and take the exit with good restaurants, comfy beds and guided tours. Your tired old body will thank you.
SCORPIO: Confidence may be your first step toward success in the office, but true power is found when you’re in charge of the supply closet. The person who has the toilet paper and K-cups rules the business world.
Sagittarius: Sure, you can try to explain how you ended up in a tree with three llamas and a yoga mat, but who would believe you? Just tell the police it was for a TikTok video; they’ll believe that over the UFO story any day.
CAPRICORN: Your skin is tingling and your eyes are bright; either you’re in love, or you’ve been licking batteries again. If it’s the weird next-door neighbor you’re sweet on, you’d be safer French-kissing the business end of a golf cart.
AQUARIUS: Your life is quiet this week. Too quiet. The kind of quiet you see in an old Chuck Norris movie before 10,000 ninjas with butter knives jump out. Look around corners before you enter a room, and keep your high kick ready.
PISCES: Like a needle on a record player, you’re just trying to find your groove. Don’t worry, you’ll make beautiful music on Thursday, and it has a fantastic beat. Remember the tune and you can make it your personal soundtrack.