With the current demise of Matthew Perry, I’m picturing how his all the time sarcastic “Associates” character, Chandler Bing, might need seen new Speaker of the Home Mike Johnson.
“May he BE any worse for the nation?” Nope, Chandler, he couldn’t. Mike Johnson appears bookishly innocent for certain. He’s received the form of forgettable look that most likely has fellow legislators flagging him to “make me some copies when you’ve gotten a minute.”
A firebrand, he’s not. That is new territory for high-profile MAGA Home members. The place’s the noisy bombast of jacketless jackal Jim Jordan? The slick beauty of Kevin McCarthy, all the time impeccably dressed and searching like he was late for the vote as a result of his caviar facial ran lengthy? The place’s the outdated guard depth of a seasoned member of Congress with an plain “Handmaids” Commander vibe like Steve Scalise? Or, failing these, maybe the flaky flamboyance of Liars Membership poster boy George Santos? The dead-eyed dreadfully dumb Marjorie Taylor Greene, perhaps?
These are the devils we all know, so to talk.
By all appearances, Mike Johnson is extra like former Vice President Mike Pence with out all of the annoying frat boy persona. (“Who needs milk??!!”) I’m pretty sure Mike Johnson often is the solely particular person from Louisiana who thinks jambalaya is “Devil meals.”
Mike Johnson isn’t what we had been anticipating not simply because he’s a quiet unknown however principally as a result of it’s not the 19th century. We hear him converse and we have now to look down and ensure we’re not carrying high-button sneakers or holding a buggy whip. On the plus aspect, in a Mike Johnson America, no one will get their nostril out of joint when Taste Flav sings the Nationwide Anthem as a result of most households can’t afford a Victrola.
Mike Johnson has gone from near-total obscurity to second in line to the presidency for one quite simple motive: Donald Trump endorsed him. That is puzzling to place it mildly. Why are so many Republicans in Congress so frightened of angering an aged Florida man who’s dealing with 91 indictments and whom I’m nearly constructive couldn’t discover Vermont on a United States map? Simply kidding. I’m constructive.
Just like the scariest villain within the horror film, Mike Johnson’s greatest talent thus far is saying horrible issues in a comforting voice. Solely as a substitute of whispering a chilling “Have you ever checked the youngsters these days” on a cellphone name to the babysitter, (The decision is coming from contained in the HOUSE!!!!!) he quietly publicizes he’ll tie U.S. support to Israel to a proposal to defund the IRS’ efforts to analyze tax-cheating billionaires. I instructed you it was horrible.
I’ve a fridge magnet that reads, “I by no means thought I’d miss Nixon” and I’m beginning to really feel the identical approach about Kevin McCarthy. He at the very least regarded pained when he stated terrible issues. Which wasn’t simple with all that Botox, I’m guessing.
McCarthy received tossed out for displeasing the MAGAs that put him into the Speaker’s chair and it’s solely a matter of time earlier than the identical factor occurs to Mike Johnson. Certain, he received the assist of all 220 Republicans within the Home however that was simply because they wished to look unified behind, “Who? From The place? Yeah, no matter.”
There are already rumblings of displeasure from inside Republican ranks about this Israel package deal gimmick so it won’t be too lengthy earlier than Mike Johnson turns into simply one other Mike Johnson Building Firm, which is, by the way, what got here up first after I Googled Mike Johnson’s identify.
Maybe they’ll return to their roots. Lauren Boebert’s on an apology tour again residence following her unlucky groping and vaping on the theater and mendacity about all of it misstep. Everybody loves a redemption story so perhaps she may very well be the following one to wield the speaker’s gavel.
Within the phrases of Chandler Bing: “May I BE extra excited?” No. I couldn’t.
